For the confusion of this world

The universe isn't a part of anything bigger. Dwelling on that thought makes my heart completely empty and completely full at the same time. Is there any bigger tragedy in humans' lives than being able to understand the insignificance of everything? How utterly beautiful and brutal.

I walked through the pitch dark forest to the rocks and laid down on my back. Every time I'm facing the night sky like that, three hundred and sixty degrees, I think about the same things. I wish I could capture the moment when you can feel the vast emptiness around you and the fact that we can't see behind the universe. And give that thought to somebody. And get the same feeling from them. This is all you've got. You'll never know what it's about, but you can feel it, witness everything. I feel lucky to be able to see it even for a second. Don't live like it's the last day of your life, live like it's the first one. Seize everything. Breathe every moment like you've never breathed before. 

~ 09:20:00 - 09:20:01

I reached the surface again after floating somewhere deep in the mazes of my incredible mind, focused my sight on the road and for a short second found myself thinking, "What bus am I on?", then, "Where am I going?" and finally, "Who am I?". I found answers to at least the first two questions before I stood on my feet and got off but the feeling dwelled for a while. What a feeling!

Being unhappy is a crime towards the life itself

- I hate birthdays. I hate every new age. It's a countdown to my death.
- There's no sense in living like that. You can't live hating each new year, you simply can't possibly enjoy your life like that. Be sensible: you can't do anything about this matter, so why worry about it?
- Exactly, I can't do anything about this matter! I can merely stand and watch the time pass. It's like running blind towards a cliff not knowing when you're going to fall. The powerlessness makes me frustrated, angry and sad, because I just want to live.
- I know you love your life but you should focus on the things that are good and see that you get so many of those amazing experiences and places and people every single year that comes, instead of worrying about the time that has been given to you. You can't live like that, woman!
- I know what it sounds like. And I highly appreciate you being able to live like you do. It makes me envious. But I couldn't live like that. This is what my life is like. It makes me real, and it makes me feel this world. It makes me feel it through my fingertips and eyes and ears and love each single detail I see. In this world everything is inspiring. Everything is beautifully complex or beautifully simple. Feelings are true and pure but not overwhelming. And then in the right scale nothing has any purpose or any significance whatsoever. In the most beautiful moments when I look around I see the world as if it was already gone. The fact that evidently everything I see will be lost in time forever makes me want to cry tears that spring from both happiness and powerless sorrow. Knowing that everything I have is borrowed as if I was already dead makes it all a billion times more beautiful. My life is to sadly love what I see. And to feel I never want to leave this world.

Sanna is in Istanbul vol 2

It's a rainy evening in Istanbul and we walk against the wind near the bus station to a small booth where a man sells bread. We step in through the backdoor, shake his hand and buy two loaves of bread for 0.4 Turkish lira while two women leave with five. He wants to offer us tea but we step back out to the stormy weather and Erdoğan tells me that the man has only one leg (but he drives a car). In one day he sells hundreds of loaves but for the day we need only two for four people because I eat so little.

I learned how to peel sunflower seeds and that çiğ köfte is the best way to eat traditional food cheap (1.5 TL for two, 0.4 euros for one). Suddenly in the middle of a movie shown in television a shiny picture of Atatürk and a waving flag of Turkey appear in the upper corner of each channel. The next day is independence day.

Aşkım

In Turkey, Erdoğan tells me, bread is compareable to the Quran. You can swear with your hand placed on a loaf of bread. You never disrespect bread by placing it on the table upside down. He looks at my way of eating my bread and advices how to make it more Turkish - always eat by ripping off one small piece at a time, and never use your teeth for that. I've also learned that to show respect you should never lay down during the call to prayer and that local men are usually surprisingly talented at singing.

The day I arrived was the second day of Ramadan. Every evening people gather in their yards, homes and around tens of tables placed in each park and wait until the time is 10 past 20 hours. Lights between the minarets in mosques say things like 'Merhaba Ramazan' or islamic wisdoms, my first nights here I woke up to ramadan related sounds from the streets in the middle of the night but I've gotten used to them already. I've gotten used to crossing the street running and stirring my Turkish tea furiously to cool it down. I've gotten an invitation to a wedding and joined the group of people who dislike şalgam.

The first day, when I was left for half an hour in the yard of the Sultanahmet Camii still wondering what is going on, listening to the call to prayer that started at that very moment, I thought I was so happy I could die.

Hillitä veren ja ruumiin rajua kiihkoa, joka pistelee silmiäni mielettömällä riemulla

When I read the thoughts of these men of 19th or 20th century I feel a great desire to be able to see myself facing the inevitable death full of such blissful peace that M felt. But even though I can very well say I've been happy like him, I don't think I would be capable of accepting such horrifying destiny without being crushed by endless terror. Sometimes in the night time when I listen to allah akbar thinking of the desert at night I feel strong longing and insensible restlessness, for I believe that after seeing that view I might be able to die happy. After that feeling I might be able to pinpoint my location in the universe and state that I know what I am. And yet all of a sudden I can see myself lying on the golden sand watching my life slip through my fingers. If something happened to me in the desert, I might die in front of the most beautiful sight of my life but I would nonetheless be filled with horror.

Lev Nikolajevits Myskin tells about a man sentenced to death, who splits his very last five minutes to three parts: two minutes for saying farewell to his loved ones, two minutes for thinking about himself and his life and the last minute for looking around. And I think I would stare at the sky trying to see all of the universe behind it, feel myself a part of it and be happy and thankful for my life. How can I ever leave this world?

-- piikkilangan läpi. Kun käännän katseeni --

The cat looked around with curiosity at the tall drums of fish food, pills, dips and chips and at the body floating face down from the shallow end to the deep.